Ten Years...why do it again?

My husband and I renewed our vows this past weekend. It was the most beautiful thing we could have ever given each other for our anniversary! I was a simple, intimate, celebration of our marriage. It was perfect.  The lunch at the end wasn't that bad either. haha!

Here is an excerpt of my vows to my husband:

Ten years ago, I married my best friend, my confidant, my soul mate. That is true today, as well as a confident man, a courageous man, a gentle man, an amazing father and most importantly, a man who loves the Lord.  When Uncle Billy kept the word “obey” in our original vows....we all laughed. It has taken me sometime to understand why he kept it...You are the head our family and I am the heart...and we can’t survive without each other.  It takes a man who loves the Lord to be strong enough for his wife to submit to her husband. I finally get it! And I am honored. God gave me you. God gave you me.

I cried when I read these words. I meant them...but most importantly I understood them. The whole head of house and obey thingy...I had to pray about it and ask God to reveal to me what that all meant. It isn't about men being superior to women...it has nothing to do with that. In my opinion and how I feel God has revealed to me, is that it has to do with a woman feeling so secure in her marriage and loved that she submits herself to her husband so that they CAN become one flesh. He is the head and the wife is the heart. In Proverbs 31, when I read it I feel empowered! It is such an empowering passage. It shows that a wife can be anything she wants to be. To raise the kids, care for the house, work...and then have her husband praise her! As a wife and a mom we do it cause we want to...not be because we have to. Yes, our days get crazy and insane and balancing can become a bit overwhelming...but we love it! And our husbands...our husbands praise us for what we do! (even though they still leave the toilet seat up, don't pick up their socks...they praise us) We may not hear it like we would like to, but they do praise us...they are men of God.

I love my husband very much...to the point it hurts sometimes. Between his health issues and our financial issues, I cry when I can't help him or make things better. I hate seeing him in pain and worried over finances. But God continues to bless us over and over again!

A New Chapter! Whew!

I can't believe it has finally happened! I am finally gainfully employed! Yes I am! This would be where I would complain about how I need to re-arrange everything! But this time...I honestly can't! No, really I can't! This transition may just possibly be the smoothest ever!!! It is most likely because when I accepted this job, I prayed and prayed about it. I had to choose between two offers...and this is the one that God led me too. I feel like this opportunity has be divinely blessed and it is going to be great!

I have had to learn through other Sisters in Christ (SIC), that praying on EVERYTHING is soo important. Now you know me, I know I am covered in His Grace, however, sometimes I do forget to pray for things. Probably because I don't see it necessary. But to God wants me to pray about all things in my life. The enemy nips at my heals so much! One of my SIC has reminded me to do just that...pray pray pray. Another SIC made a very powerful statement that really hit home during all this "If it is meant to be God will find a way." Well...she was right.

My pastor just recently gave a sermon on finding time to spend with God...yes to pray all the time...but ACTUAL time with God. Scripture, prayer, devotional, whatever...I know I guilty of not doing that. But the most wonderful part of that is that God understands and gets it! He understands that I am so not perfect. I need to find time to be with God. He has blessed me with such an amazing opportunity. He deserves all the glory!  And I freely give it to Him!

God will be with me during the transition. I pray that others will see Christ in me while I am working with my clients and co-workers. I pray that God will continue to cover me in His grace while I continue to do His will on this earth! What an opportunity to serve God!

Schedule? Blog? Huh?...When?

Over two months?! Really? I can't believe that I haven't blogged for over two months. Have I been that wrapped up in my daily yuck that I haven't had a healthy outlet? I guess so!

My family is well into the whole kindergarten school thing now. We have all made friends and are doing our part in the scheme of things. I sometimes wonder where the time went with my Natalee. She is so big and is so grown now.  When she starts to tap dance on my last nerve by pulling me in several different directions at the same time...or wants me to lay down with her for a couple minutes when she is going be bed...or the simple act of taking her to school on my days off...I have to remember that there will be a time where she isn't gonna always want me around as much and when she does it will be in a different way.

I haven't mastered a schedule yet. I am getting better. But I definitely haven't mastered it. And to make things more difficult...that schedule is going to have to change...again. It really doesn't get easier, does it? You see, I have been offered a job.  It is an hour drive, in good traffic. I took the job. I took it because the other interview I went on (yesterday)  said it would take a few weeks to get back to me if I get a second interview.

So when it rains it pours!! I take the offer and start in 2 weeks! Yay! Not one hour later, I get a call from the first interview to come in for a second interview! What? This job is in my town! I really wanted this job in the beginning. But after the interview, I didn't think I was gonna get the job let alone a second interview. And bam!

Back on my knees!!! Back on my knees! What is God's will for me in all this? Where does He want me?  I have so much to weigh out. And I need God to guide me in this decision..when it arises...if it arises.

I have to remember the now- Right now I have a full-time job that I start in 2 weeks. Right now I have to hand in my resignation to my coffee shop. Right now I need to praise God in the gift of employment. If He plans for me to work at the other job...then He will make a way.

He will make a way, and He will guide me...in His Grace

School? Really? Already?

Oh my word! Natalee is starting Kindergarten in 4 days!!! That is why I haven't been around! Getting ready for the BIG day! I thought I was excited...I am! But this morning when we had to get up to "practice getting ready for school...my heart just swelled! My baby is growing up!  This is a very exciting time in her life. New friends, new "rules", new schedules! Yikes! But, when I was standing outside before work today, after they dropped me off, my eyes filled up and reality hit. She is going to school...very very soon.

I know I will deal with this better than Torrance. And he isn't afraid to say that he is going to miss her during the day. They are like two peas in a pod. The time that they have spent together have been memorable to say the least. She has full day kindergarten to top it off. Wow! Full day, right away!!  And she is going to have homework too! Sigh!  She is looking forward to her new adventures that she is going to have in kindergarten.  She has already told her teacher when her birthday is! She never ceases to amaze me!

I pray that God will cover her in His grace and help her to spread her wings, while protecting her. Gosh if I am this way with kindergarten, can you imagine high school...or even college?! I wouldn't trade any of this excitement for anything in the world! Being a mom is a hard job...yet soooo rewarding! So so rewarding!

Control Issues...ehh?

I am gonna take the time to pat myself on the back here! And I think I deserve it! Actually, I know I deserve it! The reward was awesome!

Last night, I had left Torrance the list of doctors he needed to call and my work schedule for the week. When I called him at lunch....not only had he made the appointments but he also started the process for his evaluation for physical therapy. I was not only floored, I was....relieved! I didn't have to do it. Not only did it take a load off of me, but it gave my husband SOMETHING to do to help himself. I know that might sound harsh, but I have been carrying HIS pain for so long and "taking care" of him...it was stressing me out...and it wasn't helping him.

With him and me suffering from depression, I was making it worse for both of us. I was overwhemled and I was making him feel like he had nothng to do but wait and wait and wait!! He needed to feel like he was in control of his health. I can't be. HE has to be! And he is capable of it!! I am such a caregiver that I was pushing my caregiving onto my husband. I didn't really give him much of choice when it came to his health. That is what became so overwhelming for me.

I was reading one of my many devotional books and this quote hit it on the head:
"I will refuse to enable, understanding that to enable is to cripple the one I love."
By doing what I was doing, I was crippling my husband. My "wanting", okay needing to help was probably making things worse.

I am not beating myself up here! Far from it! I am excited that I can recognize this and ask God to help me deal with this! What a great awakening for me! Praise the Lord for opening my heart to this! If anyone is really in control it is God! And apparently....I was wanting that job.

I get to move forward now! And I can do it by His Grace!

Whew! What a day!

Unfortunately, my husband is still in pain. But I have to say, I am very proud of how he is coping with it! Good news is...he gets to make all the appointments as needed for tomorrow and he gets to schedule PT too. I am not feeling too optimistic about PT cause it is for his back and not his hip...but we know that certain parts of the body affect other parts of the body. So fingers crossed!

Pops and Sue came over this evening for dinner! I love it when Sue brings dinner and I cook it! My in-laws are amazing. Torrance was able to sit through dinner and visit awhile as well. So there are some good things! Natalee was just thrilled to her grandparents tonight!

So I have started a new adventure....a second Blog! Yep! I did!
http://pcosdawnie524.blogspot.com
It just felt so right to do! And the support I get from all of you that read this....God only knows how many women with PCOS I can reach and support...not to mention get support from. There is a link on this blog as well to get there. I encourage you to tell other women you know that has this yucky thing, to follow my blog and start a conversation or leave a comment. I am excited!

In closing, Sue and I were talking this afternoon before they came over this evening...and she said EXACTLY what I was feeling at that moment. It was kinda eerie...."Well Dawn, I am gonna let you go I gotta get rid of some this clutter, right now it is the only thing I can control." WOW! Since I have dealing with the control part of Torrance's pain, that really hit me. I am not sure if you understand what I mean...but I needed to share it with you!

3 things that I am grateful for today:
1- Internet Access
2- Pops and Sue
3-The Crystal Light Ice Tea that Sue brought me! I was out!

They may seem small...but I gotta give Glory to God when I have these things!

By His Grace....I have to work tomorrow!

The Longest Two Weeks

I have survived the longest 2 weeks! God has definitely carried me! He has used His earthly angels and sent messages to His people to comfort and support me! I do believe in Divine intervention. Cause He intervened! 

I have had to learn some hard truths and I have had to go back in time and do a lot of reflecting and praying. You see I am an Adult Child of an Alcoholic. I have been to many many meetings and I have my Alanon materials and books. I am a Christian and I have been baptized and saved. I kept asking God to help me through these trials of my husbands pain and depression. On my knees every night! Praying for Torrance to have relief from his pain. Praying for God to give me strength to make it through the day. I was exhausted. The only things that were constant in my life two weeks ago was God, work, and Torrance's pain. I couldn't do it anymore. I just couldn't.

I called my mom. And in a true mom fashion, she through through the "brick in my face" that I needed. Long story short...I was carrying Torrance's pain for him. I was trying to cure something that I had no control over. Alanon is a LIFE program. While my faith in Christ is strong, I have thrown my Alanon program out the window. She basically told me to apply my Scripture to my program....the aha moment I was looking for.
It couldn't of come at a better time. A few days later, Torrance was admitted to the hospital with severe hip pain and it was inducing panic attacks. 

While he has been discharged, without a reason for the pain, and treated for his anxiety and depression, I am less stressed and less depressed because I had to re-learn how to Let Go and Let God! And how to take it One Day at a Time. Remember my 3 C's. To HALT. I have learned all over again to read my daily Alanon books along with my Bible. To look to God in my scriptures and apply it to my Alanon program...after all it "how we understood Him".

As a write this, Torrance is in a lot of pain. While I empathize with him, I am not in pain for him or with him. God has blessed me with this Program. I just needed a reminder. My time with God has changed again. I am no longer begging for Torrance's freedom of pain. I am thanking God for the pain-free moments and to release him from the pain to a comfortable quality of life until doctors can figure out what is wrong. I am praying for wisdom again to discern His will for me.

I had to learn not to feel guilty. I had to learn how to take care of me again...that included my depression, my battle with PCOS. As I have told others, I am useless to anyone if I am not healthy. I am a believer in Mind, Body, and Spirit (Faith). I need to take care of each of those each day! For me. And only me.

Has there been road blocks? Has the devil tried to trick me back to my "stinkin thinkin"? Sure! But I can deal with it more effectively than before. I have even looked into Adult Children meetings again. I had to. I believe that God had put not just my mom but other friends of mine in my way these weeks to remind me that I am suppose to always Let Go. Just let go! His Grace will cover me!

Broken but not Shattered

I have been enjoying my 24 hour pity party, which I gave myself permission to have, because I had finally lost it! I had finally cried out to God to take all this Yuck and Crap away...I had no more strength to carry on. The surgery that was suppose to solve my husbands pain...did in his back...but we have NEW pain in his right HIP! Pain that requires the use of his walker again! I am heart broken...for him. To see him cry out in such extreme pain. Pain that leads to panic attacks and a visit to the ER via an Ambulance is horrible! I felt helpless to help him and hopeless too!

Beside God...the only thing that is constant in my life is my job at a coffee shop.  I have friends that love and pray for me daily and I know that those prayers are answered. If not I am not sure if I would be here writing. I would still in my pity party crying! :)

I had a hard lessen to learn. I had to learn to ASK FOR HELP!....not something I am good at...I ask God for everything. But to ask people to help me...I can't! It is hard! It was took sooooo much out of me to ask a girlfriend from Church to pick up Natalee for VBS on Friday cause I had to work....now I KNOW that she would of done it but for some reason...it is hard for me. I asked and guess what she did! DUH!!!

And then I had the worse the worst possible broken day...yesterday! Went out for dinner, which is a huge TREAT for my family....Torrance hadn't been out of the house since the panic attack and I was off of work and itching to end my pity party on a happy note! Went to one of our favorite mom and pop places and had our favorite waitress Margie. Well....I no sooner finished my meal...I was in the bathroom there bringing it back up in the toilet. Torrance barely made it up the stairs and proceeded to cry and scream in pain. I gave him his meds and then I ended up in the bathroom bringing dinner up again. AND poor Natalee! She is in the middle of all of this! I cried out to Jesus! And He sent me an angel...that lives 1 and 1/2 hours away. Natalee was just not in a safe environment with both of her parents out of commission. By the time Jess arrived Natalee was asleep, Torrance was in bearable pain and I was still best friend with my toilet. She sat and heard me cry and cry and cry. She was the second person that I had invited to my pity party.

Jess finally left at 3am and made it back safely to her house an hour and a half later. I needed her! I needed her to just let me cry. Lou was the other invited to my party on Saturday...he focused me to get through my day at work...hence the mild celebration at the end of the night.

Today's service...the music and the fellowship was amazing! The ones that covered me with love of Christ was what I was looking for! I realized that I was not shattered...just broken. That God has blessed me with a daughter that is amazing (while I think it is weird) to remain a child during all this. She is so amazing to me! A smart amazing daughter! I learned that my safe hold verse..."I can so all things thru Christ who strengthens me" and realized I breeze through the "Christ" part. So I am going to latch on to a new one that makes a bit more sense to me at this hour of my life...."But he said to me "My grace is sufficient for you for my power is made perfect in your weakness so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why for Christ's sake, I delight in weakness, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. for when I am weak, I am strong." 2Corithians 12:9-10.  Thank you Elizabeth! I will meditate on that!

I feel more whole knowing that I can be broken and strong instead of weak and shattered! Like a glass....a strong glass can be broken and glued ...a shattered glass cannot be fixed....I am ONLY BROKEN NOT SHATTERED.
By His Grace!

Awake? Again?

I have been thinking alot about my health. I know God wants me to respect His temple and become healthy...and my family too. And I have been doing some research lately and there is just a ton of info out there! I get confused on where to begin.

Well, prayer is obvious. But having been diagnosed 11 years ago with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome  (PCOS), I have failed to manage my symptoms after I had Natalee. Which is not doing me any good at all. Just because I beat the infertility part of PCOS doesn't mean that my PCOS is gone.

So I have been praying about this and God has encouraged me to move forward...well why wouldn't He! He created me! And now I need to figure all this out again. Pull out my old books and notebooks. Because as I have gotten older there has been more research and my body is getting older...I have to be concerned with Ovarian Cancer and the symptoms of PCOS with menopause and all the stages that go with it.

Pray for me on this journey. I know I will start to feel better once the symptoms are under control. I am awake again! God is going to guide me through this journey again with His grace and I am so thankful for it!

Broken and Looking for His Will

I am so bummed! I am writing tonite because if I wrote last night...it would not of been a good thing. I was so angry...still am but dealing with it better. I am sad and I am worried.

Me: Hi, I just got your message Jill (name changed).
Jill: Well I just wanted to let you know that I decided you would not be a good fit for the team. And we are going to go with our second candidate. You will be receiving a letter in the mail.
Me: Well, um...I guess I would like to know where I went wrong in this process...I had a schedule and a tentative training date.
Jill: Well I just don't think you are a good fit for our team and you don't have the trianing for domestic violence...I mean we could of given that to you but I don't think you would be a good fit for the team.
Me: Oh okay.

For the past 24hrs. I have cried. I have wanted to throw and break things. Not a good fit for the team. I interviewed with the team and I passed with flying colors and they loved me...all of them! I am trying to sort all this out in my head and I am having a really hard time with this. Who gives someone a job and then takes it away?

On my facebook status I wrote:  God has a bigger plan for me. Apparently, the shelter isn't where I am suppose to be. They changed their mind (which I didn't think they could after giving you a schedule) and are going with their 2nd choice. I am sad and angry but I am working through all of the emotions. God is gonna work it out! It is in His hands right now!

And I read it over and over again! And I do believe it! IT is all in God's hands right now!

But I am in the middle of a conversation with God. I am asking all the Whys right now as well. And I know it is all in His perfect time. But right now I am scared. Money isn't coming in. And my coffee shop job is barely sustaining us. And at the same time I am feeling pretty ungrateful by not giving thanksgiving to God! I have a healthy husband and daughter and a roof and food in my fridge. I am stuck on the what ifs and whens.

I know in my heart of hearts that this is the best tool that God uses for me! It is the best test and trial to bring me closer to Him. This is His way of caring for me and helping me grow.

There is a Mary Mary song and it plays in my head over and over again: I just can't give up now. I have come to far from where I started from. Nobody told me that the road would be easy and I don't believe that He's brought me this far to leave me. So true! So true!

This is how He wants us some times. So broken and willing to let our lives go to Him. His reasoning is greater then our minds can comprehend. His love and His grace are for more greater then any job that would give me glory. I am to give Him all the glory! His grace will guide me through this. And I know that He is wiping every single tear I am shedding away right now. I know that I am learning a lesson of humbleness by having to tell people that I am not going to be working at the shelter. Which I know is a lesson I need to learn. (go figure)!

He will get me through this. He has control. It is in His time that things will work out. His grace is enough! It always has been and it always will be.

Lord,  tonite I am having a very hard time accepting all that has taken place. I know you will find away for me to provide for my family according to your will and I am so thankful for all that you have given me and my family! The out pouring of love from my friends and family have been amazing and I ask that you bless them for being so supportive of me! Lord please help me to find a sense of peace with this. I know your grace is enough, but my heart still aches. I love you Lord Jesus! Thank you for all. Be with me while I cope with this! I ask all of this in Your most holy and great name! Amen.

Celebrating this Great Country!

I can't believe that it is July! My word! The time has flown by since I began this journey! I am so grateful to all of you who have read (and prayed) me through these posts.

So this whole business of celebrating the Birth of the Country has gotten me thinking some. What blessings God has bestowed on this country! The freedoms that many many countries do not have that we take for granted. Me, a woman, a working mom, talking openly about her Christian faith on the Internet...unheard of in countries. The fact that I can FREELY talk about Jesus, that I can FREELY talk about Jesus and I am a woman...is a blessing.

I am so not into the whole thing of political parties. I am into a free nation where basic human rights and respect for others. I am into people having an acceptable quality of life.  I am into sharing the gospel of Christ openly cause I serve a loving and forgiving God...not a political party, not a Congress, not a President.
What has been given to them, can be taken away. 

What a great country we live in. I want God to bless the USA! I want Him to bless this country so much that my heart aches for the day that this country doesn't have poor, homeless, crime. I want Him to bless each person so much that their hearts overflow with the love of Christ that we are intended to feel. I want Him to bless this country so that there is an abundance of food and clean water so that we can fulfill our Christian duties to feed the hungry and clothe the poor.

We are so blessed as a country, that we don't even realize it. Our service men and women have awarded us freedoms from oppression and we need to pray for them and the countries that don't have the same freedoms. We have so much. Our homeless have the choice and options to seek help. We have services for the poor and destitute. We have programs for the needy, the abused, the broken. Other countries don't.  We have power and the freedom of speech to tell others of a Love so great that we can heal them with our words.

I love this country! I might not agree with everything. But I get on my knees and I pray for help. If it is for the courage to change things, the strength to carry someone through the times of struggle, for peace in my heart, this country, this world.

I am so blessed and honored to live in a country that is free. That God has blessed with freedom. Our country was founded on Christianity. How beautiful is that!? God is good! Let us take this freedom and teach, love, hold, and pray for each other! God is good! So good! And it is by His Grace and Mercy we are free! Freedom is ours and God has granted it to us!

Have a safe and blessed Fourth of July! May God lay on your hearts a day of remembrance of freedom and love for this country that you haven't felt before!

Staying on Task

My husband has been home for about a week now. I must say that my life has changed in the past week and took a direction I didn't see coming. God has given me the gift of staying on task.

Stop laughing! You know who you are!!

Who would of thought that I would stay on task? Really!? I am quite surprised myself that it has happened too! But if you recall a few blogs back...I found this really cool invention called the calendar...and it has been amazing. I have actually used it and it has been.....WOW!!

Okay, let me get serious now. I have prayed for strength, grace, peace...etc. But I realized that I also had to ask God to help me stay on task.  Don't get me wrong...I flipped things here and flopped things there to meet certain appointments and responsibilities, but it all worked out because I asked  God to help me stay focused. While I am busy with my family's schedule as well as my own, I have had a very clear mind about it all. Am I tired? Yep. Am I stressed? A bit...not too bad. Is it getting easier? Absolutely!! But I had to remember to pray to God for the ability to stay on task (And of course praise Him for my job at the Coffee Shop where caffeine is FREE!)

It isn't about getting on my knees every night and morning. It is about constantly talking to God. In everything I do, ALL day! Sometimes, it is me looking up and saying, "Really? This is what I am to do?" or a song comes on and I may sing along and offer that as my prayer because it is what I am feeling or thinking at that moment. And there are the times when I do get some alone quiet time and just offer thanks and praise for getting me through the day. There are also times when the only alone time I get with God is while I am washing my hair in the shower! But if I didn't have these moments, I would not have been able to stay focused and on task with all that is going on. The beauty of prayer is that you DON'T need to schedule it. It can just happen.

God gave me the strength to get up, the grace to carry on, and the peace in my heart the first day I had to leave my husband alone when he came home from the hospital so I can go to work. I was grateful to see my co-workers who were welcoming me back.  I was blessed with a hug from some!

Staying on task is HARD!! I had to learn to let God guide me through my days. It has been a busy week trying to fit it all in and together. I am so blessed to have some many people praying for me and my family.  God's grace is amazing! It is covering me and I am snuggling it like it was a blanket! Cover me!! Cover me!

The Power of Prayer

I have always believed that prayer works. I pray and talk to God often, if not all the time. God loves to hear from us! But sometimes I get this feeling that I "overload" God with all my talk and prayers and praises. This past week alone I called out to my prayer warriors to pray for my husband who was having back surgery. Then of course I had prayed....etc. Of course I praised God too!

And now I had another thing to pray about. I was blessed with an amazing job offer! I am finally going to work at a shelter! God has called and I have answered! I accepted the position and I start next month. It came at a price though. My schedule has me working Sunday through Wednesday.

No worship!!! What? No worship? How am I suppose to Praise God! I have learned the importance of corporate worship. And not to mention, my church is a HUGE part of my life.  I need the fellowship, the support.

So once again, I was on my knees praying about another thing. I felt guilty. Not only had I prayed for this job and the discernment for His will but at the same time I felt like I was looking a gift horse in the mouth! How dare I!? I prayed and I prayed and cried and prayed! It was just on my heart. I previously talked it over with my girlfriend who helped me get the job and she was extremely supportive. I told her the BEST thing for me to do is to pray.

Tonight, God spoke to me. I felt confident enough to go on line and look for churches in my area that possibly had Saturday evening services. I not only had an extremely easy time doing it, but I found TWO!! And one of them is the church that my co-worker from the coffee shop attends. Wow! Talk about God's power.  I am sure you are wondering why I just didn't get online and do it from the beginning. Well, I needed God's guidance in this. It was His way of teaching me that His plan will work out...to keep praying...no matter how "bad" I feel about it. HE CAN HANDLE IT!! HE IS GOD!! Duh!

Prayer is so powerful! I am blessed that people pray me through things and that I am allowed to pray people through things as well! I am thankful for the gift of prayer! That open line of communication with God! Praising Him!! Amen!!

Time

I have been on vacation! I have enjoyed the beauty of the ocean with my family. I have been blessed. God has shown His favor with me!

During my vacation, I also celebrated my 35th birthday. I could not have been more happy to have sat on the beaches of North Carolina with my daughter, husband, and many other family members to ring in a birthday! My family made signs that lead to a HAPPY BIRTHDAY sign in the morning. My daughter made me beautiful pictures. My husband made me dinner on the grill. My sister in law took me for a pedicure. My niece made me a birthday cake. And the pouring of love just over flowed. I felt so special and so loved.  I was able to take my yuck and put it in the ocean!

So I had to reflect. Reflect on where I have been in my life and where I am going. I still don't have the answer either. But I gave God the praise! He has brought me so far and keeps me going. During this reflection, a dear friend of mine got me an interview working with homeless women. God is working! He has called me to work with the homeless earlier this year. I have had to show patience, obedience and willingness.

I have had my interview and I will be meeting with the team. I am praying His will for me. But God, God is full of lessons for me. Yet, has paved a way for all of it to be in His perfect time. You see, I am learning patients, learning how to be obedient and how to use wisdom. I am growing in the way I pray. I am changing my conversations with Him. And I am grateful and I am in awe of all the He is showing me.

My husband is scheduled for surgery on June 15th. I am still working at a coffee shop. And Natalee, well is my Natalee! I learned so much from my interview. It felt good to be in the social service field for that hour and a half that I was there. It renewed my passion and fire for the love of life and helping others. If I am offered the position, I won't start until July due to all the background checks and salary things and corporate approval yada yada yada. Which is perfect. I won't have to worry about Natalee and Torrance cause he will be weeks out of surgery and beginning physical therapy.

So time....time is short, goes by fast, can drag on when we are sad....but I have to remember it is always in HIS perfect time. I can only do that by His Grace.

Unclogging the toilet

(Sorry spell check isn't working...again.)

I can't believe that it has been a week since I last blogged. I am quite sorry. I haven't even finished our journey with Hannah either. Well know that I will be finishing that chapter this week.

Tonite, I want to talk about something that has been on my heart recently. Friday to be exact.
If you look back on a few of my blog posts I had a post titled Passive Aggressive Toilets. Well, that was basically me ranting on about my shift manager(SM) and how he is passive aggressive. Since my boss wasn't doing anything about it...I had to finally approach him (way before friday) and see what our issues were. Apparently, he didn't have any with me. Yada Yada Yada.

Friday, I got a unique glimpse of my SM and who he is. He is young, he has very high expectations of himself and where he should be in his life... he hasn't met any of his life's goals yet. He voiced his frustrations with the store in a professional manner....none the less voiced them to me.  I have a feeling through our conversations in the past and that night that his marriage isn't that great. I felt bad for him...his birthday is coming up this week and while he should be celebrating his life...he is looking at all of the things he hasn't accomplished.
While cleaning and closing...we talked about faith, religion, his goals....etc. He wants to be in the Navy. He loves his dogs..etc. Through all of this talking and laughing. I asked him why does he seem so stand offish when he comes in?  He said he doesn't relize it. I told him that was one of the reasons why I had thought there was an issue with us. Bottom line is the kid has a ton of yuck! He wears his emotions on his sleeve when he comes to work and things are not perfect at home. Things stink at work and he wears it. I feel bad for him.

My prayers had to change recently. I use to pray that God would guide me and give me strength to get through my shift with him. Now, I pray that God gives me the right words of encouragement and grace to guide him. I remember being his age and looking back thinking how I haven't done what I was suppose to do. I get it! But that is what made me who I am today in the Lord. While I would love to sit him down and have a coming to Jesus with him...I will just continue to pray for him. Jesus told us to pray for our enemies. I didn't consider him an enemy (just a pain). But I had started to pray for him and for myself. And God worked His grace right in there.

I guess the toilet isn't clogged anymore.  Grace unclogged it.

Mother's Day

Happy Mother's Day! I am sorry that I waited so long to blog again! And I know I owe you readers day Four and Five of Hannah...But time gets away from me sometimes!

If you could look at a typical Sunday in my house it would go like this....wake up, coffee, breakfast, shower, church, large lunch/dinner, then hang out with my family! Pretty laid back if you ask me. So what made this day so different. Natalee came running into my room this morning "Happy Mother's Day Mommy!!!" She was so excited!

The sermon was WONDERFUL!!!! It made us think about what kind of mom are we trying to be? The Martha Stewart Mom, the Victoria Secret Mom, or the Gloria Steinem Mom. Come on girls! You know we are each of these in some way and none of them are wrong!! Who doesn't want the perfect house that you can entertain in the drop of hat (Martha). Who doesn't want to look like a Victoria Secrets Model after child birth. Or who doesn't want to be that liberated unchained woman (Gloria). What I loved the most about this sermon is that each of us have a little of each of these types of women in us.

But there is one very dangerous thing that Pastor spoke about....was comparing ourselves as moms. He referred to Galatians 6:4-5. "Each one should test his own actions. Then he take pride in himself, without comparing himself to someone else, for each one should carry his own load." Comparing ourselves as moms is really easy to do. I am so guilty of it! When we compare ourselves as moms we then begin to feel guilty and make ourselves feel bad about our parenting skills.  I constantly feel like I could be a better mom. Do more as a mom. Or be a mom like one of my girlfriends do. But then I am reminded of what one of my girlfriend said and she says it alot..."You have to do what is right for your family." And if that means that Natalee falls asleep in my bed then I bring her to her bed, then so be it! Or if Natalee stays up till 9:30pm because we were all watching a movie together or me and her were having special time together. So what!!! Or if I dye parts of my kids hair blue and let her run around like that for the next few days....who cares. And yes we did that this weekend! She even went to church like that.

Not all moms are gonna agree on how we raise our own kids but we need to give ourselves and each other a break! Let's not beat up on each other so much. Our job is hard enough! To raise our children in a world of such yuck yet let them grow up with out keeping them in a bubble. By letting them make mistakes and experiencing the world. We aren't perfect parents! We are gonna make mistakes just like our kids. It is impossible to be a perfect mom. But there are a million ways to be a good mom. We aren't perfect. You want perfect, look at Jesus. You want a good mom, look in a mirror. 

I loved my Mother's Day! I spent it with my family! I wouldn't of traded it for the world.

Next Step- Day 2 and 3

So I decided to combine day 2 and 3 because I can sum it all up in one tiny yet perfect word.....DUH!

Continuing on the story with Hannah (1 Samuel 1: 1-20) so far, we know she is broken, she is sad, and she could careless what others thought of the funk that she was in. I admire that. Her husband, the neighborhood, the other people looking on....she could care less what they all thought about her. The last time I felt free like Hannah was when I turned it all over to God....really. And the blessings poured out. I remember thinking I had let it all go....but I didn't. I just let God borrow it. Let Him have it for awhile....yet I kept a leash on it and reeled it in when I felt I could control it my way.

These are the reasons why I love Jen's Bible Study! I can reflect over and over again about how wonderful God has been and how AWESOME He is!!

Day 2 talks about us being an HONEST MESS! Amen? I am a mess! If you could be a fly on the wall in my house...you would know what I am taking about. I am not always honest about it. Yesterday is the perfect example. I walked into work and my heart was full. Torrance was in so much pain and Natalee had been trying to fight a cold since Sunday.  So I didn't really have it all together. I was relieved when I saw the position I was working in and felt a smile come across my face. But all my shift said to me was "how are you?" and I lost it! I became a honest mess. I felt safe at that moment to do so! I am not sure why but I did. I turned to her and said "Jess I am having a really crappy day and if we are over in hours, I volunteer to be cut and...." sob sob sob. "Sorry Jess, I try really hard to check my crap at the door but it is too hard today." sob sob sob.  She was extremely professional yet compassionate. "Dawn, you do a good job at that. I will tell your next shift you volunteer. And we will go from there." She didn't hug me. She asked what was going on and if there was anything she personally could do and that I needed to stop apologizing for crying and having bad day. It was refreshing! Refreshing to be an honest mess...and not care what Jess thought of me. I ended up coming home to check on the family for dinner and returned to work.

God wants to hear of our Honest Mess too!!! Everyday. He should be our co-worker, our friend, our everything.  "Hannah's bitterness is the type of bitterness that cannot be contained. When your grief is so overwhelming, you fear it may kill you."  Jen writes. Yeah been there. Gone back there a few times. And I probably will go there again. But God wants us like that. A mess. He wants to be able to hold us.He can handle anything that you throw at Him. He is God! "You are his daughters, not his name less subject".
I have to ask myself sometimes, how am I doing with my relationship with God? Does it look like a to do list or is more like me picking up the phone and calling Him? Cause if I ain't talking to God, I can promise you I am not talking to anyone. Not even my closest friends...or family. I am a mess...and it isn't honest.

Day three talks about Unclenched Jaws...you know the kind...the kind that gives you a headache or the kind of muscle tension that requires some wine. Ya know what I mean. "Why is it so hard to release your extreme headaches to God?" Jen asks. I am really having a hard time answering that. If I look at the story of Hannah again....she sobbed and weeped and let her grief be real. I have to admire Hannah. she brought it to God. Not to anyone else. Not to the point of anger, self loathing, not to condemnation and shame. My pain takes me to places that I don't want to go.

Jen is really speaking to me here. God picked the right days for it to be Hannah's story. Hannah released her pain to God. She unclenched her fists. She had to let her dream go. And God, well kept it safe. "God wants your hope because He alone can fulfill it."  WOW!! That is powerful to me. Jen also writes, which I completely agree with,  "God's dream for you go well beyond your comprehension."  I have learned over time and forget over time that I need to become unclenched more. Release my honest mess of a life at times to God.

In conclusion, I am happy to be reminded about my relationship with God. I am happy to be told to be an honest mess. I wouldn't be myself if I wasn't. And my dear readers, thank you for letting me be honest. Thank you for letting me be a mess and tell you all the yuck in my life. You also need to realize that God is there for you too! HE wants your mess too.

Week 2- Day 1 Hannah

God has a sense of humor! I was in no mood to do this tonite, I was in a horrible mood. I guess you can say I still am. I am just plain ol' cranky! I argued with my husband a few times. And I could not get past a bunch of things that are not of my control but of my husbands and I am in a funk! I keep seeing the press with Bin Laden all over it. I am sadden he has so much face time. I am saddened at the amount of anger that is still flowing through people after they believe "justice has been served". 

I stood in the shower and cried. I prayed and said that I could not so this. I don't know who is even reading this. Am I helping anyone? Does it really matter if I skip today? I have too much to worry about. I am loosing my medical benefits. My husband has lost his benefits. And if there is one thing that I have always worried about is his health. He is to be scheduled for surgery, he is diabetic, blah blah blah. And all I want to do tonite is cry!!! CRY CRY CRY!!!! I am crying now. Typing and crying is not easy to do!

Anyway, God has a sense of humor as I was saying. As I decide to do the next chapter in Jen Hatmaker's book Makeover: A Modern Girls Bible Study, I realized that this chapter was SCREAMING at me!

Day one -Beloved Party Pooper
Poor Hannah! God closed her womb, the other wife has several sons and needles Hannah. And God commanded that there would be a celebration. And all Hannah wanted to do was cry! Everyone else wanted her to put on her happy face and rejoice in the Lord. Really!? I feel like that all the time. I scream to God how I cannot keep going on like this. I am not able to! I want to yell when is enough, enough? I am tired. I am weak!  What can I do God? What do you want me to do? Jen writes,"Do we expect Him to assign tasks to you? Be holy? Get that sin patched up? Serve the church? Take care of others?" Is all that going to make me feel better tonite? NO!!!  Jen continues: "God's first priority for his daughters is this: Be whole. No, I mean, what do I do? Be healed. Yes, but what work do I do? Let Me love you."

In 1 Samuel 1-8 is the story of Hannah. I have felt like Hannah. In the past, when I was trying to get pregnant with Natalee...took 5 years. Later, I realized it is all in His perfect time. But today, when I think of the struggles I am going through with other things...I am still like Hannah.I still let the Enemy infiltrate my thoughts and feelings. So we take on things that make us feel better that we believe God wants us to do to make us feel better. Take on more holiness tasks. I have done it. I was still broken and there are still some areas in my life are still broken. "A broken heart can not be mended by serving in a church nursery." She states. But how many of us out there believe that?

Hannah let herself grieve. She did not pretend! "Rather than please everyone else, she let her grief be real. How they handled it was not her problem." Wow! How they handled her grief was not her problem? Whew! I could of use that a long time ago! "God didn't care about her untouched dinner. He cared only about her sadness." Oh to be real!!! To be real!!! Am I real with my sadness? I guess not. How many of my friends...good friends actually KNOW what is going on in my life? Really know what is going on? I am a happy face person. I put it on daily. And then I have the days like today. Days that I can't put that face on. Days that I don't care if any knows how broken I am and scared I am. 

To conclude: God has a sense of humor! He knew I would feel better once I read this chapter. And I am not ashamed tonite to say that I am scared, I am frustrated, I am just sad! Plain old sad! I have to trust that I will feel better soon and the God's timing is perfect. That He is concerned about how I am feeling and He doesn't expect me to serve in the church. Or to do anything. I came here tonight to show you that I am broken and the God is concerned and to let you know it is okay. Be broken with me.  God will be with us.

Praying for Peace

(Spell check not working...sorry)

"I hope everyone joins me in prayer tonite. We need to pray for the continued saftey of our troops and of our country as well as our allies. While a chapter in our history has ended the book is far from over. Please continue to pray for peace in this broken world." - My Facebook Posting this Evening

I can't help but feel a bit of heaviness in my heart tonite. I am a very proud American. I have always been proud to be an American!  The freedoms that I have in this country amaze me. But the heaviness comes from the bickering that has started in already after the recent announcement of Osama Bin Laden's death. I can't believe that people are starting to argue who is responsible for the success of the death of Bin Laden. Is W. Bush or Obama? Really! I wish people would step back and look at the bigger picture.

-It took two Presidents to bring Justice to the events of 9/11.
-One President was a Republican.
-One President was a Democrat.

As human beings, please look and see that WE can work together in this country. We can be from both sides of the table and meet a common goal. I am disappointed in the media for starting the "who gets the credit" argument!

When election time came up for President, my Pastor's Sermon was very inspiring to me.This is what I took away from it: When I vote as a Christian, I need to pray prior to voting and make an educated vote by doing my research. I shouldn't vote based on sex, race, or religion. I shouldn't pledge to particular political party. I should have my alligeince in Jesus Christ! At the the end of the day, I choose Christ! Not a republican. Not a democrat. Not an independant. I vote after I have prayed for His will and ask for guidence from the Holy Spirit to cast my vote.

Now some may think that this is dangerous. Is it? I am praying. I am doing my duty a United States citizen to vote for our nations leaders. At the end of it all, I have to answer to Christ. Not to the President, not to my Pastor, not to anyone. When the elected official is confirmed, I continue to pray that he/she makes proper decisions for the good of our country and of humanity. I ask God to lead them. I ask God to protect our country.

So I ask you to join me and pray. Pray for our Nations Leaders to make good choices to protect us. Pray for peace among the rival political parties. Pray for peace for our broken world. And that now that Bin Laden is dead, to pray for peace in the families that have lost loved ones in the past 10 years. They need God's grace tonite more than ever. They need God's grace to help them heal and find peace.

Next Step - Day Five

Here is the list of biblical References for meditation ...per Jen Hatmaker's book Make Over.

Galatians 5:1-6 She suggests reading it through without pausing and then to take each verse and meditate on it. Here are some that struck me...again I urge you to get this book it has so much more then what I am sharing. I am sharing my journal portion of this book...

5:1 Jen asked How do I feel burdened? Well I don't have enough space or time for that! But I am mom! I am a wife, etc...I feel burdened at times to be "perfect".  I would rather feel productive than burdened. I want to be a productive wife and mom. Heck I want to be a productive believer in Christ!

5:2 I really like this one...I better be careful cause my answer can turn into a soap box tangent! Since circumcision was the law then, it "must" be the the "right" way. Arguments of  "How to be a Christian" is so prevalent today! It makes me so sad actually!  The constant criticism of Christians from other Christians is very sad. We have made "religion" more important than our faith! It is that criticism from one Christian to another is what turns non-believers off of learning about Jesus and His love and grace. Too many rules trying to please God. When all God wants is us to trust and love Him. And I believe the rest comes natural. Wanting to be a good steward, helping the poor, etc....it fills us up!

5:3-4 "What does it mean to have 'fallen' away from grace?" This is a question that Jen poses that I found to be harder to answer than I thought. The biblical passage talks about being justified. Who am I trying to be justified too? Do I need to justify anything? No. I do not. If I do feel like I need to justify my actions it is then that I have fallen away from grace.

5:5-6 "What else might you have no value to Jesus, though you thought it did?" To add my humor to this...how clean my house is. Being raised Catholic I was taught that during Lent you are to not eat meat on Ash Wednesday and ever Friday during Lent and to fast on Good Friday including no meat.  As a child I followed the rules. Now, I take the opportunity to "fast" in my way that is appropriate to my walk with Christ. That might be spending more time reading the Word, or cutting out fast food and giving the extra money to a Mission Trip to a high school student, things like that. Following the Rules of not eating meat doesn't really make much sense to me. I now look at those 40 day so much differently. More of a doing for others like Christ did...giving more of myself. Christ gave us His life!  I was watching Joyce Meyer one evening and she was talking about rules and laws of being a Christian and how a lady approached her and said her earrings were too flashy (being that she teaches the Word of God). She chuckled....given Joyce's humor she responded to the effect of - if this woman had a problem with her earrings she was gonna have a problem with heaven then...pearl, gold, jade, emerald. And that is just the gate! I laughed! I find that "religions" make rules and laws...not our faith. God gave us the Ten Commandments, and Jesus said to follow those. "Does God need to change you, or mature you where you into who you already are now?" When I first did this study, I thought change me!! Now that I am doing this for a second time, I need God to mature me further in my faith walk. I am not ashamed to admit it either. I have so much excitement in me to continue on this journey.

I have really enjoyed this week! I am happy I decided to redo this study! I see things differently then I saw last time and I can honestly say that God has opened my heart more to receive more. Praise God! Praise God! Praise Him for His grace!

Lord, thank you for giving me the opportunity to share this with everyone that reads my blog. Women and the handful of men. I hope that they are inspired to buy her book and work along side me so we can learn and walk together in You! I am truly blessed by your grace. Thank you Lord! Thank you! In Your name...
AMEN!

Next Step - Day 4

I love this Chapter! I love it love it love it! I recall now that this is when I began to understand God's grace. And Jen Hatmaker, I have to say, broke it down for me! The biblical reference she used came from the book of Galatians. The book of Galatians is one of my favorites for some reason.

The title of the Chapter for day 4 is Curses. Yeah I know what kind of title is that...but believe me, it makes sense. She started out "How do you feel standing before God today? What do you think He is thinking of you?"  Words like unworthy, sinner, not good enough, not worth it started to pop in my head. And I had to put the breaks on! Chains again!!! My thoughts are ridiculous and we all know where they were coming from too. The Enemy. He is trying to hold me down with chains and make me dance like a monkey for God. Didn't I just cover this the past few nights? Ha! So I sat back for a second an meditated on the questions asking God to help me search for the answer to these questions in my heart. I then felt blessed, grateful, filled with joy, loved, child of God, covered in Grace.

Jen next sentence was AMAZING to me. She writes, "The Enemy has us so confused about grace that we actually believe God's pleasure is based on what we do for Him."  The Enemy makes us feel like we have to earn God's grace. "Pride convinces us that we are not good enough and everyone else isn't trying hard enough".  So we are cursed. Cursed because we keep dancing for the wrong reasons, cursed by constantly not being holy enough to receive grace. And the list goes on and on....down to following the laws of the bible.

The following just sums it all up! Paul writes in Galatians 2:21, "I do not set aside the grace of God, for if righteousness could be gained through law, Christ died for nothing!" Jen continues to write, "If you are spinning your wheels for God, Christ died for nothing. If you control the level of affection God feels for you, then Christ died for nothing. If you are responsible for fixing your sin, then Christ died for nothing. If you prefer the chains of obligations over unearned freedom, Christ died for nothing."

I love the way this woman writes! She just breaks it down to a level of "Ahaa!" It makes so much sense! Grace is Grace is Grace is Grace! God freely gives it! We just have to accept it! God is throwing it at us and we need to grab it! If it wasn't for His grace, I would not be where I am today! "Pleasing God comes after grace, not before.", Jen writes. YOU CAN'T EARN GRACE!

For the longest time I thought I had to do good in order to receive His grace, to be saved. I had to earn my place in His sight. I have come to the conclusion I am SAVED by HIS GRACE! It makes me want to do things in His name, to testify, to pray for others...I don't feel "obligated". I feel honored that I am loved enough by God to receive His grace no matter what.  It is an amazing feeling when you come to realize it. I hope and pray that one day you will experience this Ahaaa moment.

The fifth day is of reflection in Jen's book. Tomorrow, I will list all the biblical references. I hope you find the time to meditate on them too. Then there are two days off. I hope you have enjoyed this as much as I have. Thank you for letting me share this with you. I am looking forward to next week.

Next Step- Day 3

Tonite when I was doing my study by Jen Hatmaker, I laughed at the title of the day "Dancing Monkeys".  I guess that was to be expected....especially with the day I had today. I was off of work and took the opportunity to hang out with my kid. It was a great day! But prior to us leaving, I caught up with two friends of mine and had to make a call to my boss about a situation at work, because it had to be dealt with before I came back on Friday.  I felt....like I was a dancing monkey! Literally!

Jen's chapter tonite started out funny as usual. Comparisons of Barbie and how she changed throughout the years and ultimately we hate Barbie.  She states, and I am paraphrasing here, that we try to keep up with Barbie...she was/is a ballerina, a surgeon, a police officer..I didn't know this but Barbie apparently ran for President at one point in the 90's. Barbie is sexy, invincible, and rich, Jen points out.  She is right and when she states that Barbie better wipe that pretty little smile off of her face or else.....I sympathize and want to rip Barbie's head off too. Really!? How can she be so happy dancing for US?" She is everything that we desire to be as women. But...she is so happy! And she makes it look so darn easy cause she has a huge smile plastered on her face!

Jen asks the question: "Monkey, who are you dancing for?"  Who am I dancing for? Who am I searching approval from? My mom, my friends, my husband? Strangers? Co-workers?  "We beg them to validate us." she writes. And I agree with her. I don't realize how often I go through my day worried about disappointing someone. Or my favorite is when I walk in to a place, work especially, did I screw up and am I gonna hear about it? Really?! Kinda sounds like the Enemy talking to me again. Giving me self-doubt and esteem problems again.

The Scripture reference that Jen used tonite was 1Kings 18:16-39. I have to admit. I am not a big reader of the Old Testament. But I learned something very interesting tonite from this. You can't control the environment that is presented. You can't change the cranking boss, or the difficult aunt, or the distant father. "The only thing you can control is who you dance for."

Interesting....I can't change anything. Just who I dance for. I can exhaust myself dancing for a co-worker who doesn't think twice about my existence. Or exhaust myself looking for the praise of family that I barely speak to. Or I can choose to seek the approval of only one person. God. He is the only one. And the thing about only dancing for God is if it the worst mess of a dance, off beat, and just a train wreck of a dance. God still loves me. And He approves of me anyway just because I am dancing for Him. 

"Discover that your value exists because God takes pleasure in you..."  I couldn't agree with her more! She hit it on the nose!

My Next Step- Day Two

Well like yesterday, I am going to continue my journal, if you will, about my bible study by Jen Hatmaker.

Today was about trying to be our mothers, our grandmothers. And how what worked for them does not work for us as women. I gotta admit, she is right!! She posed the question tonite "Do I work out of the home but try to parent like a stay at home mom? or Do I feel like I do less for  my husband then what my mother or grandmother did for their husbands?" Hmmm....she struck a nerve there in me. I have always over scheduled my life....and then I got married and I continued to over schedule my life...then I had Natalee and then I continued to over schedule my life. Even today I still feel like I over schedule myself.  And while life changes, I am sitting in the past of my mother and grandmother. I should be doing the things they did "back then" and trying to fit the now in. She used the story in Mtw 9:16-17. The wine skins. I am trying to put new wine in old wine skins....and I am gonna burst!  Jen writes "Once we accept this we can stretch as life fills us up. It's a choice of expectations." 

Oh and then she slaps this question on me.."Where do you need to cut yourself some slack?"  I don't care for that question very much. Cut myself some slack? Where? Really? The list is too long! I know I need to cut myself some slack. Especially when it comes to the whole part of trying to have the Perfect things. Perfectly clean house, perfectly groomed hair and skin, perfectly clean car (which is impossible with a 5yr old). I also need to cut myself some slack when I am tired. I need to let myself feel tired and rest. But WHEN I do I feel GUILTY!! There are those chains again.

Jen writes, "We learn from those who've walked before us. But we are not called to imitate our predecessors, because our contexts are different." Yeah she is right! I have learned alot form my mom and my grandmother, even my aunts and other woman in my life. Heck I often wonder how my friends seem to have it all together and I don't. What do they know that I don't know. I have come to realize that I am not my mom or the other women in my life...how could I be...I look at my circumstances and those of my predecessors. Sure we all fell on hard times. But back then times where different and raising a family was different. Grandma took odd jobs to fill in the gaps of money when she was raising 8 kids while my grandfather worked. My mom was the working mom, dad worked too and we were daycare kids and had after school at my aunt's house with my cousins until we were old enough to be on our own. Dad would have some jobs that would lay him off so I saw my mom take a part time job. I obviously come from a background of strong women. But even at that times are different now... Jen writes "Let's take their courage, their faith, their work ethic and allow God to pay it forward today". That is a refreshing thought! GOD isn't telling me to BE like them. I just need to realize that I am a new wineskin with new wine. And I can't fill the old wineskin with the new wine.

In closing, I remember how difficult it was for me to complete this day back when I first did this bible study. My gramma was alive then and my mom was still living out of town. But it wasn't as difficult this time. Probably because I am more receptive to what God's will is for me these days. I have to laugh to think that there are still some things I am working on. I chuckle because the things I am working on are different then before. And I will continue to work on them with His Grace.

My Next Step

With all that was going on I could barely get my head wrapped around anything! I could sit here and type away about the mindless stuff going on in my head...I call it "the committee"....anyway, the committee has told me how I am not very organized this week. Really? I knew that. And because I know that, I feel guilty. Ahh you have to love the Committee!!

So I was lead to revisit a bible study I did about 2 years ago. It is by Jen Hatmaker. It is titled Make Over: Revitalizing the Many Roles You Fill-A Modern Girls Bible Study, Refreshingly Unique. I loved it then and I love it now!!!! I love the way she writes. She writes in the "for real" and the "now". I can completely relate to it! What lead me to it was the fact that I am carrying some guilt in my life tonite (see above paragraph for the Committee). 

I have decide to let you in on my journey this time. I mean let's be for real for a second...this is like a public journal! I might as well let you in on what I have learned...you might be inspired to get her book. She has tons...this was my first bible study I had done from her. And I just love them!

As I begin week one I chuckle at the Title: Jacked Up! That is exactly how I am feeling tonite! Jacked up! Day one (Today) discussed CHAINS. What goes through your head when you think of Chains? I think of being tied down and not able to move! Unless they are white gold chains adorned with diamonds...oops sorry. Anyway, in her study tonite I read something that really hit home for me. "Some of us have dragged them around for years: Cains of obligation, frustration, compulsion, weariness." Hey if you are a working mom...you get it...if you a mom...you get it...I believe with my WHOLE heart that any woman out there can relate. Single, Married, with or with out kids. WE get bogged down with these chains. I know I do.
She goes on to say, "No one applauds us for the way we mop........Our professional accomplishments are met at the door with 'What's for Dinner' ".  I have felt that way too many times. Just this past week alone I have felt it!

I admire the way she pointed out this evening that God understands our frustration. "Just check out any page in the Old Testament for God's frustration." She writes. I realized as I read further that the more I let these chains keep me down there are people in my life that suffer. My family (who I try to take care of), my friends get neglected (because I don't feel like I have enough time) and God gets neglected (because I can get so exhausted that I run through a prayer sometimes like I am reciting a poem). She nailed that on the nose for me.

She ended the day with a great bible comparison. I fell in love with the verse from the New Testament, Phil 4:13, I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.  A lot of the scripture I read tonite was from Isaiah 40.  But one stuck out.... Isaiah 40:31,But those who hope in the Lord will have renewed strength. Refreshing thought that God linked our Old and New Testaments! God is good!

Tonite I am aware that I am not superwoman and that I need to become more aware of the Committee in my head trying to pull me down by those chains...even if they are white gold and laden with diamonds. Chains that bind are just that! Chains! I am refreshed knowing that I will relearn how to move forward with these thoughts of being Superwoman. Because I am worn out! And I need God's grace to change my mind and heart about some things.

Tomorrow is the Day!

Tomorrow is the day I will be Baptized! I am so full of emotion! So full of so many emotions.
Here is my testimony. I will posting more tomorrow! Happy Easter!

When I was an infant I was baptized and raised Catholic. Catholics do infant baptisms. I also had Natalee baptized Catholic. I didn't know where I was in my faith and I didn't know where I was going with my faith either. I knew I needed more than what was happening. About 5 years ago, a friend of mine told me about this church in Mundelein and my family and I went. And we kept going. We fell in love with the people there. The fellowship. The overall experience. Natalee loved going to church. That alone just melted my heart! Torrance's faith was growing and I could tell mine was too. I got involved in Women's Ministries, Missions, and I also attended many ladies bible studies. We participated in many doings at the church. Not just Sunday Worship.

God had a huge plan! I remember it very clearly. My husband was in Miami, FL with a friend of his and I took Natalee to church. God was speaking and HE WAS LOUD!!! It was one of those services that you could feel the Holy Spirit there. The kind that you feel like you are the only one in the room and the Pastor is talking to you…that kind.  At one point during service, Pastor had asked us to bow our heads and if anyone here would like to receive Christ to look up at him. Tears poured from my face! I knew this is what I suppose to do! The door was wide open and Jesus was telling me to come in! And I did! I walked in the door...tears falling and on my knees. It was like a weight of YUCK was lifted off of my shoulders. I called my husband after service and cried on the phone with him then I just prayed.

I wish that I could tell you that it has all been peaches and cream since then. It hasn't. There have been times that I have turned my back on God.  I chose to be tempted by the Enemy. I have done things that I am not too proud of. But found my way back. Re-dedicated my life to Christ and have asked for forgiveness and moved forward in my walk.

With all the hard times that had fallen on my family in the past year, I can stand here and say I would not be able to have made it through without Christ. When I didn’t know where the next dime would come from, Christ spoke to His people and there was money or food. When Torrance was in and out of the hospital several times, and I felt like I didn’t have the strength to carry on, Jesus reminded me of Philippians 4:13; that I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. God is good! And there are many more examples of His greatness in my life. He has lead me to begin a Blog a few months ago, about His Grace. This is in hope of inspiring other women and working moms. Hoping that see they see Christ in me. To show them that they too can have Christ in their life. That Christ loves us for us! And we all have our daily yuck.

The week leading up to Palm Sunday, God was preparing me. I didn’t know it at the time but he was!  That week was full of surprises. I was reading about forgiveness, and that evening at work, my ex-boss, well one of them, came through the drive thru. I didn’t realize that I had been harboring all this anger and hurt. When I saw her, I cried and I told her that I held nothing against her. A huge weight was lifted off of me. Then one morning, a customer was crying in her car when she pulled up to pay for her coffee. Her mother had a heart attack and then her sister went into labor all in the same morning…I asked her name and prayed for her right there in the window. One evening, I was chatting on face book with an old grammar school friend who is a brother in Christ. He was having a hard time dealing with some issues in his extended family. He felt guilty that he was angry with God. I was given the opportunity to minister to him and to pray with him. I felt honored to do that. 
Then on Sunday, when Pastor Herb spoke of baptism and Jesus knocking on our hearts door…I honestly don’t think the knock could have gotten any louder. After 5 years from accepting Christ, I couldn’t imagine NOT publicly showing my commitment or love for Christ. HE is my Savior. HE is my ALL. I long for people to come to Christ because they see Christ in me.

So now what? I ask myself, and of Jesus….I don’t have an answer just yet. But I know that He has a wonderful plan for me and my story is nowhere near being complete. Not with all the people I come in contact with daily. So I ask of you now my brothers and sisters in Christ, please pray for me. Pray that I can continue to minister to others, that people will continue to see Christ in me and be inspired to know Christ’s love. My prayer for you is that you will continue to listen to Jesus when he speaks to you, and that you will continue to experience His Glory in your life as well.

Passive Aggressive Toilets

How are you suppose to maintain a Christian attitude when one of your supervisors is passive aggressive? No really. I need an answer here. I try very hard to maintain a positive Christian attitude. Treat people with respect and especially to people who are management. But really? Do think he could have made anymore obvious that he was being passive aggressive? You tell me.

Background....Headset on in drive though taking coffee orders and passing coffee out through window and taking money. Very use to the Shift Manager(SM) chiming in when I am with a customer with my head out the window...

SM: Are you gonna take that? (beeping in our headset)
ME: (Unable to answer him or the beep due to connecting with customer)
SM: (Takes order)......(To me)......I need you to take orders and work the register.
ME: I understand that....but I am use to someone if not the SM taking it if I am with a customer.
SM: Not in my store. I had one person doing both positions all day long. (He is a transfer form another store)
ME: Well okay, but I am just not use to it. (Very politely...and I was sincere)
SM: I'll finish this line...you can go clean the bathrooms.

REALLY? I didn't care if I had to clean the bathrooms...I actually don't mind it. It is easy and I have a little quiet down time. Not to mention...the bathrooms aren't really gross either. One toilet for women and men. Nice huh? Plus, it takes about 20-30 minutes.

So what I am I to do? I am gratefully employed buy a GREAT company. And if I had to clean our bathrooms for 8 hours each day I would do it gratefully because I have a job and praise God for the opportunity. But in the meantime I am getting tired of hearing about "Well in  my store we did this" and "In my store we did that". Really? This isn't even YOUR store...That was never YOUR store...it is all Partners store and we take pride in it. And if it isn't the Partner's it is then the MANAGERS! Not a SM! Grrrr....see I am getting all worked up here.

I know I will need to talk to my manager about this, but this wasn't the only incident today. But the one that I just thought was the most obvious. And I will have to ask God for the guidance of the right words to come out of my mouth. I don't want to offend and I don't want to cause any drama! It is just coffee.

God if I have ever needed your Grace...it is now!


P.S. The bathrooms were already done today...I did them again and brought it to his attention that they looked great and I re-did them. And I told him that I loved doing the bathrooms! I don't think he liked that very much. I was just being honest and giving report! But I was not going to let him think he got the best of me!

An Evening with Natalee

One thing that I have learned over time...being a mom is SOOO much fun! I was able to spend an unusual amount of time wit Natalee last night. Only because I am working and I just don't get that time that I want with her.

Here is what went down in my house....
Torrance went to do a basket of laundry (Lord love him).
I was preparing to get ready to workout and I asked Natalee to choose my workout. Now, I workout to DVDs that my husband bought me...BodyGospel! (Love it by the way...I get to praise the Lord and exercise His temple to make it stronger...all to Christian Music!)
I asked Natalee which one I should do...Power Praise, Gospel Glory, or Body Revival. That was mistake number one!!!! She chose Gospel glory....by the time I was done, I thought I was going to go meet our Saviour....whew! Never again will I let her choose....oh and she chose it cause she liked the title...what was I thinking!
Then it was off to the tub....we took our showers and got in our pajamas and cuddled up with a Junie B. Jones book. The conversations we were having was amazing! She is just this little girl with such a different look on life. Her bottom two teeth are loose and one of them is getting ready to come out. So there was alot of discussion about blood. The mind of a 5 yr old girl!
Then we started talking about how I should have another baby! Really!? She said she needs someone to play with. My word! I told her...I am not so sure about that...I am getting a little older blah blah blah...and then she said..."No your not mommy. Daddy is getting old...not you!" I laughed and laughed. Ahhh my girl!
Toward the end of our evening she said in a very gentle and perfect voice..."You are a cool mom!" All I could do was hug her and say thank you...I hope she remembers that when she is 13,14,15.....I will FOREVER hold that one close to my heart!!!

I so miss being at home with her full-time...but when I had that opportunity, I took it for granted. I have always said that I am quality over quantity kinda mom. And this was the best 3 hours I have spent with her! She is an amazing blessing to me. God truly blessed me when he chose me to be her mom!

I will continue to search for these moments and pray they happen more often. And that I recognize the opportunities...I can only do it with His Grace!

Decisions

I decided to come to Christ about 5 yrs ago. And when asked if I have ever been baptized I of course responded yes! When I was an infant, I was baptized and raised Catholic. Catholics do infant baptisms. I also had Natalee baptized Catholic...that was 5 years ago. I didn't know where I was in my faith and I didn't know where I was going with my faith either but I knew I needed God and that I wanted Natalee to know God. I knew I needed more than what was happening. A friend of mine told me about this church in Mundelein and my family and went. And we kept going. We fell in love with the people there. The fellowship. The overall experience. ( Just to let you know the song Word of God Speak by MercyMe  is playing in the back ground right now and I am getting all choked up) Natalee loved going to church. That alone just melted my heart! Torrance's faith was growing and I could tell mine was too. I got involved in Women's Ministries, Missions, and I also attended many ladies bible studies. We participated in many doings at the church. Not just Sunday Worship.

God had a plan. A huge plan! I remember it very clear actually. My husband was in Miami, FL with a friend of his and I took Natalee to church. God was speaking and HE WAS LOUD!!! It was one of those services that you could feel the Holy Spirit there. At one point during service, Pastor asked (with our heads bowed) if anyone here would like to receive Christ. Tears poured from my face! I knew this is what I suppose to do! The door was wide open and Jesus was telling me to come in! And I did! I walked in the door...tears falling and on my knees. It was like a weight of YUCK was lifted off of my shoulders. I called my husband after service and cried on the phone with him and just prayed.

I wish that I could tell you that it has all been peaches and cream since then. It hasn't. There have been times that I have turned my back on God. Chose to be tempted by the Enemy. Done things that I am not to proud of. But found my way back. Re-dedicated my life to Christ and have asked for forgiveness and moved forward in my walk. This past week, has been full of surprises. And I can sit here and tell you that God had His hand in it all. Everything from becoming healthy, to seeing an old boss, to seeing old friends, to ministering to a brother in Christ. It has been God all along for the next great thing to happen in my life. I can't deny that! I just couldn't.

Today at service, we talked about how Palm Sunday and Praised God for all of his blessings. Then Pastor talked about Baptism. That it is a personal choice and that as long as you have excepted Christ, you are welcomed in the Kingdom. But my heart was swelling. Swelling and swelling. And about to burst. Pastor stated that there will be Baptisms during service on Easter Sunday and if anyone was interested to see him. Well...guess what. My heart was pounding! I knew this was my next step. I knew I needed to be Baptized. I already have received Christ, but to be baptized in front of my brothers and sisters...publicly...is an amazing gift that is being offered to me.

God's hand is truly in this! Not only is it Easter Sunday, but my husband's birthday, and the one day that the children will be in service the entire time. God is good! His timing is always perfect. It is always perfect.

Updated Look!

I have changed the background of my blog since this is Holy Week and leading up to Easter. It just felt like the right thing to do!  And to my Jewish friends who do follow...A good Passover to you! Christ participated in the Last Supper which was the Passover supper.

May my sisters and brothers in Christ use these days leading up to Easter Sunday to spread the Gospel of our Lord! That is my prayer for the week for you.

Also, check out this great bible study I am following....it isn't too late to start it. The site will also adjust the calendar to fit. http://www.youversion.com/

By His Grace!

Praying you through!

(Warning: My spell check isn't working....sorry)

I never felt like the type of person that would "minister" to others. Of course I want people to Christ in me, but I never thought that what I do or say to/for other people actually made a difference.

Tonite, a old friend of mine (we are talking back to grammer school here folks) thanked me and told me that he was honored to have me as a friend. See, he was having a rough night and frustrated with everyone including God. He is brother in Christ. I can understand the frustrations with God. I can understand being angry with God. I have been there. I still go there sometimes. But that is why God is so awesome. He understands and continues to love us.

Anyway, I was taken back by the warm thank you I received from him. I never realized how powerful the Holy Spirit can be until now. To be that vessel of hope and love that is needed it is an amazing feeling. I told him that I was the one who was honored to be his friend. It was truly a privallage to pray him through this time in his life. That he felt safe to let me go to God on his behalf. What an honor! What an honor!!

I have learned a great lesson from this. I can't continue to waste opportunities to minister to people the love of God. I need to become more diligant in prayer for others. And definetly praise God more often for giving me those opportunities.

A girlfriend of mine said to me once that the walk with Christ isn't easy. The Enemy doesn't like it and tempts you and tricks you and, well you know how the Enemy is. She was right! It isn't easy but because of God's unfailing love, He uses those times that are hard, when we fall, to bring us closer to Him. He doesn't make the problems, He carries us. And sometimes it is through others that we are carried and encouraged.

Lord, thank you for giving me the opportunity to be the vessel of hope and love that my friend needed. I know that your Holy Sprit will continue to guide us when we need it. Help me continue to tell of Your love, of Your mercy, and of Your Grace. In your name I pray. Amen.

Paying it forward...backwards!

The coolest thing happened today at work! The girl in the drive thru paid for the woman behind her. That woman did not know the lady behind her at all...just doing a nice thing. From what I understand this woman comes through our drive thru and just pays for whoever is behind her. Well today if that woman realized what she started...

For a sweep of 20 mins each person paid for the person behind them. All because ONE woman started it. Some people had cheaper orders that they were paying for and some paid for more expensive orders.  It didn't matter to them. They all just felt as sense of needing to do it. And it made each person smile and then they wanted to pass that on! They last woman in the drive thru almost felt bad because there was no one behind her and tipped us well because of it.

It was a wonderful feeling to know that people can be kind to one another. And that it only takes one person to do it.

Handling the Past

As you all know, I am in the midst of a career change. Fifteen years in Long Term Care and working with the elderly, working in social services and working with people with Alzheimer's, Activities, being a director and manager just did me in when I was a "budget cut" and let go after up rooting my family to move to a new a town. No more bitterness here I swear.  I miss the environment and miss those residents that I worked with. I loved my staff and I felt that I had a great team too. But the "Do-er" of the "firing", was a woman that I thought was amazing. I understood her and why she did what she needed to do. My administrator, hated me. So my boss the Do-er, let me go...I have no hard feelings toward her at all...I have never been able to say it to her cause I honestly thought that she believed that I did all the HORRIBLE things that was listed on my termination paper. I just wanted the opportunity to tell her that I "forgive" her for letting me go, that I understand why she did what she had to do, and that I still think she is an amazing person. It has almost been a year...and I haven't been able to do it....until tonite.

So this is what happened. I am ending my shift at the local coffee shop and I am working the drive thru. I have this great headset and I am cleaning the oven and a call comes thru my set...."Thanks for stopping by this evening what can I get started for you?" I didn't recognize the voice and took her order. Walked to my window and BOOM!!!! There she was my old boss.

I just looked at her and said "Oh my Gosh!" She said she recognized my voice and etc...my eyes just filled with tears. Why? Cause I could finally let go of the pain and anger that I thought I wasn't harboring.

I told her that I didn't blame her for letting me go. That I understood why she did what she did. And that I was so happy that I saw her. And that I saw her at the drug store but didn't want to approach her cause I knew I would cry. She said something to me that I wasn't expecting....she said "Dawn, don't think you are worth what happened that day! You are so much more than that. I know that you wouldn't of done the things that were listed with intention. I just would of written you up and been done. But you know (name withheld) she gets her way!".

All this at my "new" job with no one around. I am crying out the drive through window.Who does that? Oh wait I do!

I breathed a sigh of relief! I felt so free. God led me to finally forgive her. Forgive her for something that I thought I was over and done with! But God knew. He knew I needed to release all the anger and frustration. That I thought I had let go of!

Winding down to Wind up!

What an amazing weekend I had. Just amazing. I am truly blessed with family and friends that are just placed in my life to be with me on the path that God has me on. In the midst of all this glory it is time though for me to get real! This past week I have had to deal with unpleasantness of anger, forgiveness, and sadness. But by His Grace, I am hear to speak of it. 

As I am writing this I am trying to put all my thoughts together....I hear some laughing out there.
Laughter. Laughter is a beautiful gift that God has given us. I love to laugh. I love to laugh until I cry and until it hurts. I love to laugh! Jessi and Derrick did that for me on Friday. There is nothing like old friends getting together with good food and good wine (don't go getting all biblical on me now) that can do that to you! And they just LOVE Natalee...heck I was 7 months pregnant with Natalee when I stood up in there wedding. And yes, I did the cha-cha slide! Oh and how we all met....that is a whole other story. But they reminded me that laughter and love is the most amazing gift there is. And they give it so freely!

Then I throw a shift of work in and I ended up working with great understanding people this day! It was like I needed to have an easy day...however, if one more person ordered a Frappaccino, I was going to scream...really people it is 70 degrees...not 90....may God lay his Grace on me when the summer comes cause it is just gonna be ridiculous! I may lose my patience! 

And now we have Sunday and of course Worship! I think my bedroom was bugged. While we were getting ready for church, Torrance and I were taking about the Children's program and how I grew up Catholic and he grew up Apostolic. And the differences between then for us and now for Natalee. Well, wouldn't you know that is what the Sermon was about today!! Family and praying for our families to grow in the teachings and the love of Christ. We were floored. we spoke to Pastor about that and it was funny his reaction after I "accused" him of bugging my house". He said yes I did...with the Holy Spirits help! And of course the fellowship to follow during potluck! Just amazing.

The weekend has finally come to a close and the work week has finally come back. I am ready. I am organized and I am revived.

Such the blessings that have poured in and out this weekend! God is good! Very Good!

MY CALENDAR WORKS!

So we all know that life for me is busy. But I had a few choices to make. The past three days have been rough but I got through...today I actually stuck to what my planner said. I worked, to care of dinner for my family and then proceeded to get my work out in! That is huge for me.  I was even able to read Junie B. Jones to her tonight. It was a absolutely wonderful day! My calendar works!!! It really does work. I tell you that this modern tool is absolutely amazing!

I am actually blogging before 11pm...I am enjoying a great cup of tea. Life is good...by His Grace!

If I could only skip the nap!

Love my husband. VERY VERY VERY much! I had to work at 7am and I actually had to get up at 5am to work out....yay for me! And work was good. I came home after running some errands for about an hour...prescriptions and so on!  I came in and said my hellos, discussed dinner and then sat on the couch while my husband and daughter put her princess tent up on the balcony so she can play. They really are two peas in a pod.  I smiled at my husband and said...Do you mind if I lay down for awhile? His reply was go for it! So I laid down for about 2 hours!!! It was suppose to be a 1/2 hour 45 min nap....not so much apparently.

Now I find myself awake and needing to be up at 5am do to having to start at 6am....sigh!
It was the nap. I am not sleepy. And my anti-anxiety hasn't exactly kicked in. I was able to spend some quality time with my husband after Natalee went to bed which was wonderful!

With this whole getting organized thing I am learning to put it together. I need to keep ny appts with myself to workout and plan for that me time. I can only do that with His grace.

Asking for Help

So I am feeling better now. I have prayed about my anger issue and even brought it to the alter at church today. Feeling much better. Not many answers, but I need to remember that it is in His time that it will all unfold. And thank you for your prayers.

I am working on placing the agenda of my life together...and that would be the day to day scheduling. I blogged not too long ago about the miracle invention of the calendar and day  planner...I am getting better. But recently I have found myself running out of time still and crossing off my workouts. Not smart with for someone who has a significant amount of weight to lose. So I asked my online coach to help me out. I am a borderline stay at home mom and I almost work part-time (depending on the week). There is no set schedule in my life. Just days off from work. My husband (who has recovered slightly) has pitched in more than I thought he could. I am little stubborn and hard headed anyway and feel the need to be SUPER MOM!

But today I am grateful that I am learning to ask for help. Torrance will tell me if he can or can't do something. Just like I would tell him. I learning to let go of some over bearing mothering I tend to do for Natalee...she is 5 and capable of more than I am willing to admit.  Torrance is better at that part than I am any day.

Lord, thank you for your revelations of time and patience. Thank you for Your glorious mercies everyday. I need your guidance and strength to keep to a schedule that is beneficial for myself and for my family. Lord, my family is yours and with You grace I need to continue to ask for help when I need it. I need to ask for guidance and prayer when needed as well. I ask for you continued guidance and grace to lead me through the day. Thank you Lord for all that You are. In Your name. Amen.

Positive Anger?

Can you have positive anger? I am asking that exact question to myself today.

I know I am angry. I know why I am angry. But are my future actions to seek justice or revenge?
How can I tell the difference between the two? I honestly do not have an answer for these questions. I know that we feel angry because of a wrong that has directly or indirectly happened to us or someone that we know/love.  "Anger isn't bad. It is an awareness" a good friend of mine stated. And I agree.

The next thing I need to think about is how to move forward. Is it a personal revenge? Or is it a moral and ethical wrong that needs to be stopped. And then how much action do I take? When do I just stop? Am I willing to deal with any other issues that may come up?

I ask that you pray for me. Pray that I may have these pending answers revealed to me. Only God can sort this out for me. His Grace can reveal it. I want to do His will. I want to serve the people that I feel have been wrong. I need the guidance of the Holy Spirit at this time. I need to know if it is revenge I seek or if it is justice. Then I need to know how to pursue in a Christian and loving manner with His will in mind.

Anger is the Devil's playground. The Enemy can twist it and make things worse then they are. The Enemy can feed off of anger if not properly handled and that is what revenge is made of. At lease that is how I see it.

So I ask that you pray. Pray for me. I can only do this by His Grace!

Fitting it all in

I know this is early for me to blog but I had to re-do my schedule a bit. Today is one of those days where Everything is happening either one after another or one right after each other. Makes me have to reconfigure all of my responsibilities! It is very tiresome!

So I have a new plan and I can't wait to see if it works out! I need to get on a regular schedule. Why and how? Well, for starters I have 33hrs this week. And it isn't a regular shift. Today I start at 1pm and tomorrow 730pm and so on.  So how does one fit it all in with a jacked up work schedule. Healthy eating, working out, family time, time with the hubby, blogging, and of course time with our Lord. Oh and then the ever coveted ME time. Let's not forget the never ending doctor appointments and at the same time trying to be a girlfriend at the same time. Sigh. Just typing all that has made me exhausted.

I awoke this morning to my coffee already made (God did good when he put the timer program for coffee pots in to someone's head) and spoke to the Lord. Woke the mother who is visiting so she can get to her flight on time. Woke the husband. Put a load of laundry in. Natalee woke up. Fed her. Checked mail and so on and so on. And as we speak...the house is awake and booming. I wouldn't have it any other way. I love the chaos right now...it isn't really chaotic...but buzzing with morning activity.

Then I discovered the calendar. This modern piece of technology. I never knew how useful one can be. I have a gorgeous Franklin Covey calendar and I use it for the important things. Doctor appts. mainly. Or when my mom is coming in or special events but never to "organize my life". DUH!!! Really? So that is my plan...I am sure I will find that I have more time on my hands then I realize once I get it all down. Funny, I was always told to do "schedule my workouts in my planner"-"plan the meals for the week"....that all seems like a pipe dream to me. But...I am willing to give it a try! So, Let's say I'll check back in tonite. Hopefully, with His Grace!