The Longest Two Weeks

I have survived the longest 2 weeks! God has definitely carried me! He has used His earthly angels and sent messages to His people to comfort and support me! I do believe in Divine intervention. Cause He intervened! 

I have had to learn some hard truths and I have had to go back in time and do a lot of reflecting and praying. You see I am an Adult Child of an Alcoholic. I have been to many many meetings and I have my Alanon materials and books. I am a Christian and I have been baptized and saved. I kept asking God to help me through these trials of my husbands pain and depression. On my knees every night! Praying for Torrance to have relief from his pain. Praying for God to give me strength to make it through the day. I was exhausted. The only things that were constant in my life two weeks ago was God, work, and Torrance's pain. I couldn't do it anymore. I just couldn't.

I called my mom. And in a true mom fashion, she through through the "brick in my face" that I needed. Long story short...I was carrying Torrance's pain for him. I was trying to cure something that I had no control over. Alanon is a LIFE program. While my faith in Christ is strong, I have thrown my Alanon program out the window. She basically told me to apply my Scripture to my program....the aha moment I was looking for.
It couldn't of come at a better time. A few days later, Torrance was admitted to the hospital with severe hip pain and it was inducing panic attacks. 

While he has been discharged, without a reason for the pain, and treated for his anxiety and depression, I am less stressed and less depressed because I had to re-learn how to Let Go and Let God! And how to take it One Day at a Time. Remember my 3 C's. To HALT. I have learned all over again to read my daily Alanon books along with my Bible. To look to God in my scriptures and apply it to my Alanon program...after all it "how we understood Him".

As a write this, Torrance is in a lot of pain. While I empathize with him, I am not in pain for him or with him. God has blessed me with this Program. I just needed a reminder. My time with God has changed again. I am no longer begging for Torrance's freedom of pain. I am thanking God for the pain-free moments and to release him from the pain to a comfortable quality of life until doctors can figure out what is wrong. I am praying for wisdom again to discern His will for me.

I had to learn not to feel guilty. I had to learn how to take care of me again...that included my depression, my battle with PCOS. As I have told others, I am useless to anyone if I am not healthy. I am a believer in Mind, Body, and Spirit (Faith). I need to take care of each of those each day! For me. And only me.

Has there been road blocks? Has the devil tried to trick me back to my "stinkin thinkin"? Sure! But I can deal with it more effectively than before. I have even looked into Adult Children meetings again. I had to. I believe that God had put not just my mom but other friends of mine in my way these weeks to remind me that I am suppose to always Let Go. Just let go! His Grace will cover me!

Broken but not Shattered

I have been enjoying my 24 hour pity party, which I gave myself permission to have, because I had finally lost it! I had finally cried out to God to take all this Yuck and Crap away...I had no more strength to carry on. The surgery that was suppose to solve my husbands pain...did in his back...but we have NEW pain in his right HIP! Pain that requires the use of his walker again! I am heart broken...for him. To see him cry out in such extreme pain. Pain that leads to panic attacks and a visit to the ER via an Ambulance is horrible! I felt helpless to help him and hopeless too!

Beside God...the only thing that is constant in my life is my job at a coffee shop.  I have friends that love and pray for me daily and I know that those prayers are answered. If not I am not sure if I would be here writing. I would still in my pity party crying! :)

I had a hard lessen to learn. I had to learn to ASK FOR HELP!....not something I am good at...I ask God for everything. But to ask people to help me...I can't! It is hard! It was took sooooo much out of me to ask a girlfriend from Church to pick up Natalee for VBS on Friday cause I had to work....now I KNOW that she would of done it but for some reason...it is hard for me. I asked and guess what she did! DUH!!!

And then I had the worse the worst possible broken day...yesterday! Went out for dinner, which is a huge TREAT for my family....Torrance hadn't been out of the house since the panic attack and I was off of work and itching to end my pity party on a happy note! Went to one of our favorite mom and pop places and had our favorite waitress Margie. Well....I no sooner finished my meal...I was in the bathroom there bringing it back up in the toilet. Torrance barely made it up the stairs and proceeded to cry and scream in pain. I gave him his meds and then I ended up in the bathroom bringing dinner up again. AND poor Natalee! She is in the middle of all of this! I cried out to Jesus! And He sent me an angel...that lives 1 and 1/2 hours away. Natalee was just not in a safe environment with both of her parents out of commission. By the time Jess arrived Natalee was asleep, Torrance was in bearable pain and I was still best friend with my toilet. She sat and heard me cry and cry and cry. She was the second person that I had invited to my pity party.

Jess finally left at 3am and made it back safely to her house an hour and a half later. I needed her! I needed her to just let me cry. Lou was the other invited to my party on Saturday...he focused me to get through my day at work...hence the mild celebration at the end of the night.

Today's service...the music and the fellowship was amazing! The ones that covered me with love of Christ was what I was looking for! I realized that I was not shattered...just broken. That God has blessed me with a daughter that is amazing (while I think it is weird) to remain a child during all this. She is so amazing to me! A smart amazing daughter! I learned that my safe hold verse..."I can so all things thru Christ who strengthens me" and realized I breeze through the "Christ" part. So I am going to latch on to a new one that makes a bit more sense to me at this hour of my life...."But he said to me "My grace is sufficient for you for my power is made perfect in your weakness so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why for Christ's sake, I delight in weakness, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. for when I am weak, I am strong." 2Corithians 12:9-10.  Thank you Elizabeth! I will meditate on that!

I feel more whole knowing that I can be broken and strong instead of weak and shattered! Like a glass....a strong glass can be broken and glued ...a shattered glass cannot be fixed....I am ONLY BROKEN NOT SHATTERED.
By His Grace!

Awake? Again?

I have been thinking alot about my health. I know God wants me to respect His temple and become healthy...and my family too. And I have been doing some research lately and there is just a ton of info out there! I get confused on where to begin.

Well, prayer is obvious. But having been diagnosed 11 years ago with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome  (PCOS), I have failed to manage my symptoms after I had Natalee. Which is not doing me any good at all. Just because I beat the infertility part of PCOS doesn't mean that my PCOS is gone.

So I have been praying about this and God has encouraged me to move forward...well why wouldn't He! He created me! And now I need to figure all this out again. Pull out my old books and notebooks. Because as I have gotten older there has been more research and my body is getting older...I have to be concerned with Ovarian Cancer and the symptoms of PCOS with menopause and all the stages that go with it.

Pray for me on this journey. I know I will start to feel better once the symptoms are under control. I am awake again! God is going to guide me through this journey again with His grace and I am so thankful for it!

Broken and Looking for His Will

I am so bummed! I am writing tonite because if I wrote last night...it would not of been a good thing. I was so angry...still am but dealing with it better. I am sad and I am worried.

Me: Hi, I just got your message Jill (name changed).
Jill: Well I just wanted to let you know that I decided you would not be a good fit for the team. And we are going to go with our second candidate. You will be receiving a letter in the mail.
Me: Well, um...I guess I would like to know where I went wrong in this process...I had a schedule and a tentative training date.
Jill: Well I just don't think you are a good fit for our team and you don't have the trianing for domestic violence...I mean we could of given that to you but I don't think you would be a good fit for the team.
Me: Oh okay.

For the past 24hrs. I have cried. I have wanted to throw and break things. Not a good fit for the team. I interviewed with the team and I passed with flying colors and they loved me...all of them! I am trying to sort all this out in my head and I am having a really hard time with this. Who gives someone a job and then takes it away?

On my facebook status I wrote:  God has a bigger plan for me. Apparently, the shelter isn't where I am suppose to be. They changed their mind (which I didn't think they could after giving you a schedule) and are going with their 2nd choice. I am sad and angry but I am working through all of the emotions. God is gonna work it out! It is in His hands right now!

And I read it over and over again! And I do believe it! IT is all in God's hands right now!

But I am in the middle of a conversation with God. I am asking all the Whys right now as well. And I know it is all in His perfect time. But right now I am scared. Money isn't coming in. And my coffee shop job is barely sustaining us. And at the same time I am feeling pretty ungrateful by not giving thanksgiving to God! I have a healthy husband and daughter and a roof and food in my fridge. I am stuck on the what ifs and whens.

I know in my heart of hearts that this is the best tool that God uses for me! It is the best test and trial to bring me closer to Him. This is His way of caring for me and helping me grow.

There is a Mary Mary song and it plays in my head over and over again: I just can't give up now. I have come to far from where I started from. Nobody told me that the road would be easy and I don't believe that He's brought me this far to leave me. So true! So true!

This is how He wants us some times. So broken and willing to let our lives go to Him. His reasoning is greater then our minds can comprehend. His love and His grace are for more greater then any job that would give me glory. I am to give Him all the glory! His grace will guide me through this. And I know that He is wiping every single tear I am shedding away right now. I know that I am learning a lesson of humbleness by having to tell people that I am not going to be working at the shelter. Which I know is a lesson I need to learn. (go figure)!

He will get me through this. He has control. It is in His time that things will work out. His grace is enough! It always has been and it always will be.

Lord,  tonite I am having a very hard time accepting all that has taken place. I know you will find away for me to provide for my family according to your will and I am so thankful for all that you have given me and my family! The out pouring of love from my friends and family have been amazing and I ask that you bless them for being so supportive of me! Lord please help me to find a sense of peace with this. I know your grace is enough, but my heart still aches. I love you Lord Jesus! Thank you for all. Be with me while I cope with this! I ask all of this in Your most holy and great name! Amen.

Celebrating this Great Country!

I can't believe that it is July! My word! The time has flown by since I began this journey! I am so grateful to all of you who have read (and prayed) me through these posts.

So this whole business of celebrating the Birth of the Country has gotten me thinking some. What blessings God has bestowed on this country! The freedoms that many many countries do not have that we take for granted. Me, a woman, a working mom, talking openly about her Christian faith on the Internet...unheard of in countries. The fact that I can FREELY talk about Jesus, that I can FREELY talk about Jesus and I am a woman...is a blessing.

I am so not into the whole thing of political parties. I am into a free nation where basic human rights and respect for others. I am into people having an acceptable quality of life.  I am into sharing the gospel of Christ openly cause I serve a loving and forgiving God...not a political party, not a Congress, not a President.
What has been given to them, can be taken away. 

What a great country we live in. I want God to bless the USA! I want Him to bless this country so much that my heart aches for the day that this country doesn't have poor, homeless, crime. I want Him to bless each person so much that their hearts overflow with the love of Christ that we are intended to feel. I want Him to bless this country so that there is an abundance of food and clean water so that we can fulfill our Christian duties to feed the hungry and clothe the poor.

We are so blessed as a country, that we don't even realize it. Our service men and women have awarded us freedoms from oppression and we need to pray for them and the countries that don't have the same freedoms. We have so much. Our homeless have the choice and options to seek help. We have services for the poor and destitute. We have programs for the needy, the abused, the broken. Other countries don't.  We have power and the freedom of speech to tell others of a Love so great that we can heal them with our words.

I love this country! I might not agree with everything. But I get on my knees and I pray for help. If it is for the courage to change things, the strength to carry someone through the times of struggle, for peace in my heart, this country, this world.

I am so blessed and honored to live in a country that is free. That God has blessed with freedom. Our country was founded on Christianity. How beautiful is that!? God is good! Let us take this freedom and teach, love, hold, and pray for each other! God is good! So good! And it is by His Grace and Mercy we are free! Freedom is ours and God has granted it to us!

Have a safe and blessed Fourth of July! May God lay on your hearts a day of remembrance of freedom and love for this country that you haven't felt before!