I have been enjoying my 24 hour pity party, which I gave myself permission to have, because I had finally lost it! I had finally cried out to God to take all this Yuck and Crap away...I had no more strength to carry on. The surgery that was suppose to solve my husbands pain...did in his back...but we have NEW pain in his right HIP! Pain that requires the use of his walker again! I am heart broken...for him. To see him cry out in such extreme pain. Pain that leads to panic attacks and a visit to the ER via an Ambulance is horrible! I felt helpless to help him and hopeless too!
Beside God...the only thing that is constant in my life is my job at a coffee shop. I have friends that love and pray for me daily and I know that those prayers are answered. If not I am not sure if I would be here writing. I would still in my pity party crying! :)
I had a hard lessen to learn. I had to learn to ASK FOR HELP!....not something I am good at...I ask God for everything. But to ask people to help me...I can't! It is hard! It was took sooooo much out of me to ask a girlfriend from Church to pick up Natalee for VBS on Friday cause I had to work....now I KNOW that she would of done it but for some reason...it is hard for me. I asked and guess what she did! DUH!!!
And then I had the worse the worst possible broken day...yesterday! Went out for dinner, which is a huge TREAT for my family....Torrance hadn't been out of the house since the panic attack and I was off of work and itching to end my pity party on a happy note! Went to one of our favorite mom and pop places and had our favorite waitress Margie. Well....I no sooner finished my meal...I was in the bathroom there bringing it back up in the toilet. Torrance barely made it up the stairs and proceeded to cry and scream in pain. I gave him his meds and then I ended up in the bathroom bringing dinner up again. AND poor Natalee! She is in the middle of all of this! I cried out to Jesus! And He sent me an angel...that lives 1 and 1/2 hours away. Natalee was just not in a safe environment with both of her parents out of commission. By the time Jess arrived Natalee was asleep, Torrance was in bearable pain and I was still best friend with my toilet. She sat and heard me cry and cry and cry. She was the second person that I had invited to my pity party.
Jess finally left at 3am and made it back safely to her house an hour and a half later. I needed her! I needed her to just let me cry. Lou was the other invited to my party on Saturday...he focused me to get through my day at work...hence the mild celebration at the end of the night.
Today's service...the music and the fellowship was amazing! The ones that covered me with love of Christ was what I was looking for! I realized that I was not shattered...just broken. That God has blessed me with a daughter that is amazing (while I think it is weird) to remain a child during all this. She is so amazing to me! A smart amazing daughter! I learned that my safe hold verse..."I can so all things thru Christ who strengthens me" and realized I breeze through the "Christ" part. So I am going to latch on to a new one that makes a bit more sense to me at this hour of my life...."But he said to me "My grace is sufficient for you for my power is made perfect in your weakness so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why for Christ's sake, I delight in weakness, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. for when I am weak, I am strong." 2Corithians 12:9-10. Thank you Elizabeth! I will meditate on that!
I feel more whole knowing that I can be broken and strong instead of weak and shattered! Like a glass....a strong glass can be broken and glued ...a shattered glass cannot be fixed....I am ONLY BROKEN NOT SHATTERED.
By His Grace!
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