God has a sense of humor! I was in no mood to do this tonite, I was in a horrible mood. I guess you can say I still am. I am just plain ol' cranky! I argued with my husband a few times. And I could not get past a bunch of things that are not of my control but of my husbands and I am in a funk! I keep seeing the press with Bin Laden all over it. I am sadden he has so much face time. I am saddened at the amount of anger that is still flowing through people after they believe "justice has been served".
I stood in the shower and cried. I prayed and said that I could not so this. I don't know who is even reading this. Am I helping anyone? Does it really matter if I skip today? I have too much to worry about. I am loosing my medical benefits. My husband has lost his benefits. And if there is one thing that I have always worried about is his health. He is to be scheduled for surgery, he is diabetic, blah blah blah. And all I want to do tonite is cry!!! CRY CRY CRY!!!! I am crying now. Typing and crying is not easy to do!
Anyway, God has a sense of humor as I was saying. As I decide to do the next chapter in Jen Hatmaker's book Makeover: A Modern Girls Bible Study, I realized that this chapter was SCREAMING at me!
Day one -Beloved Party Pooper
Poor Hannah! God closed her womb, the other wife has several sons and needles Hannah. And God commanded that there would be a celebration. And all Hannah wanted to do was cry! Everyone else wanted her to put on her happy face and rejoice in the Lord. Really!? I feel like that all the time. I scream to God how I cannot keep going on like this. I am not able to! I want to yell when is enough, enough? I am tired. I am weak! What can I do God? What do you want me to do? Jen writes,"Do we expect Him to assign tasks to you? Be holy? Get that sin patched up? Serve the church? Take care of others?" Is all that going to make me feel better tonite? NO!!! Jen continues: "God's first priority for his daughters is this: Be whole. No, I mean, what do I do? Be healed. Yes, but what work do I do? Let Me love you."
In 1 Samuel 1-8 is the story of Hannah. I have felt like Hannah. In the past, when I was trying to get pregnant with Natalee...took 5 years. Later, I realized it is all in His perfect time. But today, when I think of the struggles I am going through with other things...I am still like Hannah.I still let the Enemy infiltrate my thoughts and feelings. So we take on things that make us feel better that we believe God wants us to do to make us feel better. Take on more holiness tasks. I have done it. I was still broken and there are still some areas in my life are still broken. "A broken heart can not be mended by serving in a church nursery." She states. But how many of us out there believe that?
Hannah let herself grieve. She did not pretend! "Rather than please everyone else, she let her grief be real. How they handled it was not her problem." Wow! How they handled her grief was not her problem? Whew! I could of use that a long time ago! "God didn't care about her untouched dinner. He cared only about her sadness." Oh to be real!!! To be real!!! Am I real with my sadness? I guess not. How many of my friends...good friends actually KNOW what is going on in my life? Really know what is going on? I am a happy face person. I put it on daily. And then I have the days like today. Days that I can't put that face on. Days that I don't care if any knows how broken I am and scared I am.
To conclude: God has a sense of humor! He knew I would feel better once I read this chapter. And I am not ashamed tonite to say that I am scared, I am frustrated, I am just sad! Plain old sad! I have to trust that I will feel better soon and the God's timing is perfect. That He is concerned about how I am feeling and He doesn't expect me to serve in the church. Or to do anything. I came here tonight to show you that I am broken and the God is concerned and to let you know it is okay. Be broken with me. God will be with us.
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