Broken and Looking for His Will

I am so bummed! I am writing tonite because if I wrote last night...it would not of been a good thing. I was so angry...still am but dealing with it better. I am sad and I am worried.

Me: Hi, I just got your message Jill (name changed).
Jill: Well I just wanted to let you know that I decided you would not be a good fit for the team. And we are going to go with our second candidate. You will be receiving a letter in the mail.
Me: Well, um...I guess I would like to know where I went wrong in this process...I had a schedule and a tentative training date.
Jill: Well I just don't think you are a good fit for our team and you don't have the trianing for domestic violence...I mean we could of given that to you but I don't think you would be a good fit for the team.
Me: Oh okay.

For the past 24hrs. I have cried. I have wanted to throw and break things. Not a good fit for the team. I interviewed with the team and I passed with flying colors and they loved me...all of them! I am trying to sort all this out in my head and I am having a really hard time with this. Who gives someone a job and then takes it away?

On my facebook status I wrote:  God has a bigger plan for me. Apparently, the shelter isn't where I am suppose to be. They changed their mind (which I didn't think they could after giving you a schedule) and are going with their 2nd choice. I am sad and angry but I am working through all of the emotions. God is gonna work it out! It is in His hands right now!

And I read it over and over again! And I do believe it! IT is all in God's hands right now!

But I am in the middle of a conversation with God. I am asking all the Whys right now as well. And I know it is all in His perfect time. But right now I am scared. Money isn't coming in. And my coffee shop job is barely sustaining us. And at the same time I am feeling pretty ungrateful by not giving thanksgiving to God! I have a healthy husband and daughter and a roof and food in my fridge. I am stuck on the what ifs and whens.

I know in my heart of hearts that this is the best tool that God uses for me! It is the best test and trial to bring me closer to Him. This is His way of caring for me and helping me grow.

There is a Mary Mary song and it plays in my head over and over again: I just can't give up now. I have come to far from where I started from. Nobody told me that the road would be easy and I don't believe that He's brought me this far to leave me. So true! So true!

This is how He wants us some times. So broken and willing to let our lives go to Him. His reasoning is greater then our minds can comprehend. His love and His grace are for more greater then any job that would give me glory. I am to give Him all the glory! His grace will guide me through this. And I know that He is wiping every single tear I am shedding away right now. I know that I am learning a lesson of humbleness by having to tell people that I am not going to be working at the shelter. Which I know is a lesson I need to learn. (go figure)!

He will get me through this. He has control. It is in His time that things will work out. His grace is enough! It always has been and it always will be.

Lord,  tonite I am having a very hard time accepting all that has taken place. I know you will find away for me to provide for my family according to your will and I am so thankful for all that you have given me and my family! The out pouring of love from my friends and family have been amazing and I ask that you bless them for being so supportive of me! Lord please help me to find a sense of peace with this. I know your grace is enough, but my heart still aches. I love you Lord Jesus! Thank you for all. Be with me while I cope with this! I ask all of this in Your most holy and great name! Amen.